Step-Parenting - 7 Tips To Help You Develop A Positive Relationship With Your Step Children

I am a step-parent and have been one for almost 24 years. When I married my husband he was the custodial parent of his twin sons who were 5 years old at the time. I didn't have children of my own. Our first child came along when the boys were 8. I quickly learned that being a step-parent is quite different than being the biological parent. If I were to summarize what I know to be important factors in establishing a positive relationship with your step children I would say:

1. Allow for plenty of opportunity for your partner to spend time alone with his/her children. Support the relationship that was established long before you came along.

2. Be sensitive to what your step children are going through and don't take things personally. Read books on becoming a successful stepparent.

3. Be aware that each age will adjust differently to a stepparent. Teens will take much longer to accept you than very young children.

4. Show respect towards the other parent. If your partner is bashing his/her ex-spouse, you don't have to go along. It will not enhance your relationship with your step children.

5. Parenting someone else's children can be very stressful. Make sure you take time for yourself doing things that make you feel good.

6. Keep in mind that these are not your children and the job of disciplining and setting rules is primarily up to the biological parents. You may disagree with their parenting style but it's not your place to try and change things.

7. Attend a support group for blended families or step parenting. You'll appreciate the support and soon find out that issues you're dealing with are similar to what others are going through. You'll also gain helpful tips.

Child Custody Modification - Help For Step Parents

Step parents are usually thrown into the world of child custody without much preparation. Some step parents are used to the language and process of child custody, but others are diving into something totally unknown. To help with step parenting, here is a guide for parents who want a custody modification.

A custody modification is a change to the child custody order. The child custody order comes about when the parents go to court with a custody agreement or parenting plan. The parents can work together on their plan and the court will usually just accept it. Or, the parents can both present their case to the court and the judge will make the final decision about the custody agreement. Either way, the hearing ends with a custody agreement being accepted by the court. This agreement is made in the child custody order. The order makes all of the terms and conditions in the agreement legally binding. Thus, there are legal ramifications if a parent doesn't follow the visitation schedule or breaks one of the provisions.

So, a custody modification is making a change in the order so something else is legally binding. There are several parts to a custody agreement that might need a modification. The custody and visitation schedule are the big part of the parenting plan, and this is usually what parents want to change. Incorporated in the custody and visitation schedule is the holiday schedule, vacation time, and other special events.

When a divorce parent gets married, that parent and the step parent may need some modification to the schedule. Perhaps they want more time with the children, or there are other obligations which mean the visitation days need to change. The first step for a modification is to talk to the other parent. If both parents agree to the change, the process is very easy. The simply submit some papers to the court and they become part of the order.

If the other parent doesn't agree to the change, the parent and step parent can file a petition for a custody modification. Both sides will present their case in court and the parent who wants a change should be prepared to explain in detail why the change is necessary and how it will benefit the child. It's very important to show the court why the modification helps the child, especially if it is a big change, because the courts won't disrupt the child's life without reason.

A step parent and parent can look over their current custody order and see if it is workable. If it isn't, there shouldn't be too much of a problem to get it changed. Hopefully they can get it modified so everyone can focus on developing a relationship with the child.

Step Parent Adoption With Or Without an Attorney

Step parent adoption is a common form of adoption. Needless to say, the entire adoption procedure for step parents is usually easier than other types of adoption. For example you may not be required to have a home study completed nor be represented by a lawyer, but you might need to have a criminal background check.

Consent of Biological Parent

Once you have agreed to become the step parent of your new spouses child you become responsible for that child. First though, both your spouse and the other parent of the child must give their consent for you to adopt the child.

Occasionally, it can be difficult to get the other parents consent. If your former spouse refuses to consent, the adoption will not be allowed unless their parental rights are terminated for some other reason like abandonment or unfitness.

But once you do get it, the biological parent who is no longer living with the child, then has no rights or responsibilities for the child. They will no longer have the right to visit with the child nor will they be able to make decisions regarding issues such as medical treatment or education. In addition, they will no longer be responsible for child support.

Also, grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles of the noncustodial parent are no longer legally related to the child.

Step Parent Adoption Costs With an Attorney:

Lawyers fees will cost up to $4000 plus an additional $200 for court fees. They will do a home visit, and they will need 3 or 4 letters of recommendation about the parent who is adopting the child, from friends, co-workers, etc. The lawyer will provide all of the documents necessary for you and the noncustodial spouse to complete.

Following this comes the court date with the judge, when the lawyer files everything that is needed.

Step Parent Adoption Costs Without an Attorney:

If the noncustodial parent is in agreement with it, it can make things much cheaper. Here are the documents that you will need to send to them:

First you will need to fill out a Final and Irrevocable Consent to Adoption - signed and notarized. Next a Consent to Terminate Parental Rights (Release of child by Parent) will need to be filled out, signed and notarized.

You will then need to fill out a Petition and Affidavit to Terminate Parental Rights of Noncustodial Parent...signed and notarized. After this is complete you and your new spouse will need to fill out an Adoption Affidavit to Establish Financial Ability, signed and notarized.

Once each of these documents have been accurately completed you can take them to the court house and file your Petition for Adoption. Filing it will cost a small fee of approximately $200.00.

Don't forget to take all of your paperwork, for example, the child's birth certificate, plus your marriage certificate.

When everything is approved and filed, you'll get a court date.

This whole process may be cheaper, but you might not be sure where to go to get all of these document. You could contact Child Welfare Services for more detailed info.

How Long Does Step Parent Adoption Take?

This will also vary according to state. For example, in some states you must have been married to the child's parent for a year or more before you will be aloud to become a step parent.

However, laws will vary from state to state, so it would be best to find out the laws in your State or Province first.

Are You a Step Parent or a Second Class Parent?

Step parents face challenges that many other parents do not face whatsoever. One of these problems is respect. What should a step parent do when they feel like they've lost that respect? Here are a few tips.

Blended families are pretty much the norm nowadays. From the Brady's to (dare I say it) the Kardashians, blended families are everywhere. But what can you do if you married someone who has a child or children from a previous relationship? Whether you are ready or not, in that situation you will be stepping into the shoes of a parent and if you do not already have children of your own, you will undoubtedly have an interesting road ahead of you.

It could be said that becoming a step parent to a baby or toddler is very different from becoming a step parent to a tween, teen or a child whose age in between four and 10 years old. As with any other parenting challenge, the key is to stay positive. Easier said than done in certain situations, I know.

One of the things that you must do is to keep the lines of communication open with your spouse especially when it comes to parenting. Find out their parenting style and creatively come up with ways to balance that style. Develop tough skin, because there may be times when you just might hear the words, "you're not my real mother/father!" Be prepared to respond to this sternly yet with compassion letting your stepson or stepdaughter that you are their real parent regardless of your last name or blood type, you are there in their lives because you care and love them.

Realize that there can be light at the end of the tunnel and consider taking multiple approaches to parenting. Remember that you are your child's (biological or step child) parent first, so avoid trying to overcompensate your role in their lives by being a friend.

Consider sitting down with your step child (or step children) and hear them out. Do they like you and this new situation? Are they playing the blame game and what are their expectations, if any? This is not to say that you are going to be a doormat to them, but it will help you understand where they are coming from. Additionally, hearing them out will give you an upper hand on how to perfect your parenting strategies. Remember that mutual respect is essential, so if you are not giving respect to your step children, you can't really expect to get it.

Parenting is a wonderful journey and each day you will learn something new. If you are a step parent, consider making friendships with other parents who have gone through what you are going through, and realize that you are not a second class parent - you are a parent who plays a crucial role in the lives of your children.

With a byline that has run nationwide, this former journalist turned author is a parenting expert and writes fictional works. Her work has been featured in several publications.

Step Parenting And The Problems Of Sharing Authority

Step parenting brings its own special problems as the new step parent is often caught in the middle between the biological parent and the children. Just how much of a problem you will encounter depends upon a whole variety of factors, not the least of which will be the degree of co-operation you receive from the biological parent and the ages of the children involved.

The secret to successful step parenting lies first in clearly establishing your role with the biological parent because you will certainly have an uphill struggle if the two of you are not fully in agreement from the outset. As with any changes in a relationship though you must also realize that adjustments will take time and you need to adopt a 'step by step' approach. Any attempt to rush things, or to force the situation, will undoubtedly lead to frustration, if not confrontation. The biological parent may well feel threatened, if only sub-consciously, by the need to share parenting and will need time to adjust and to develop confidence and trust in you as a parent to his or her children.

Next, you will clearly need to establish your role with the children who, unless they are very young, will often resent being guided by an 'outsider'. You will need to take things slowly and accept that the children will need time to adjust to the situation before they will accept you in the role of a parent. Once again, you will need the help of the biological parent in cementing your relationship with the children.

Any successful transition into step parenting must start with a clear and frank discussion with the biological parent, during which each party must communicated freely and honestly about how they see their role, and that of the other party, and you must both reach a clear agreement on just how you should share the responsibilities of parenting. This discussion should also set clear boundaries but should be flexible enough to allow for adjustment, especially in the critical first few weeks and months following the establishment of this new relationship.

This initial discussion will not of course be the end of the matter and several such discussions will need to take place before any truly meaningful and lasting shift in parenting responsibilities can take place.

Once you are in agreement the next step is to bring the children on board and this step must initially be led by the biological parent. At an appropriate time the family should all sit down together and the biological parent should lead off a discussion in which the plan which you have agreed can be revealed to the children and discussed with them.

At this point it is important to emphasize that this should be a genuine discussion and not simply a case of the parents 'laying down the law' to the children. It is vitally important that the children contribute to the discussion and that their thoughts and views on what you have agreed be heard. Children, just like adults, need to be given a sense of control over their own lives and need to feel comfortable with the situation in which they now find themselves. This is not to say that the children should be given control of the situation, which should remain firmly in the hands of the parents as the ultimate decision makers within the household, but every effort should be made to ensure that they understand the situation and are as happy with it as is possible.

The simple fact that the children can see that their parents have clearly considered the position carefully, and are in agreement about it, will go a long way to preventing the children from playing one parent off against the other and their inclusion in the process will also help considerably in bringing them on board.

Arriving on the scene as a new step parent can be difficult for not only the step parent but for the biological parent and the children and all parties will need to work together slowly and take their time to establish an environment in which everyone can live happily together.

Is Successful Step Parenting Merely a Matter of Working at Relationships?

When I was commissioned to write a book some years ago on stepfamilies, it was assumed that step parents would be wed. However, the question of coping with step children, these days, doesn't necessarily involve being married to their natural parent. On the contrary! As more and more couples are involved in serial relationships, so the question might more reasonably be asked: how do step children cope with step parents?

I was invited by BBC Radio 5 Live to take part in a debate, arguing the case for the premise Can A Step Parent Take The Place Of A Real Parent? The e-mail was from one of their producers, who said he'd found my book in a Google search. During the telephone conversation that ensued, he asked me if I knew of anyone who might argue the case against. I had to say that I don't. Because most of the stepfamilies I know - including my own - have been very positive about the experience.

STEPFAMILY PROBLEMS CAN BE RESOLVED!

My book was based on personal experience, but also included a number of case studies: people my second husband and I interviewed for the book. Some of the contributors were step parents coping with step children; others were the biological parent; and yet others the stepkids themselves. Not one of them could say that they were a stepfamily without problems. But what all of them could vouch for was that they had worked through their difficulties - and were prepared to continue doing so.

STEP PARENTING ADVICE

So the BBC5 invitation prompted me to think through the sort of advice I might offer - not simply to those families who are encountering problems, but to those who've not yet taken the plunge. In other words, those who are still thinking about becoming a stepfamily.

The first thing I'd say is:

    Understand where you're coming from.
    Evaluate what emotional baggage you'll be taking with you into the new family.
    And how you can deal with it to get where you want to be: a cohesive family unit.
    A stepfamily is the result of remarriage after either a divorce or a death. Both are traumatic experiences which affect every member of the family.
    Divorce and death involve dealing with the loss of a loved one: spouse or parent.
    Both may engender similar emotions: denial, rejection, failure, sorrow, guilt and regret, anger and depression - not just for you, but for your children, too. Some of the points I've made in my posts on bereavement, are relevant to those who are divorced.
    You may think that you're over your emotional upheaval - particularly if you've found a new love - but it may not be realistic to expect your children to be, too.
    The fact is that trying to blend two families together can be like trying to renovate a ruin, whils living in it at the same time!

Understanding that this is where you and your children are coming from and the emotional baggage you're taking with you are crucial to developing the skills needed when it comes to understanding how you can deal with the upsets which, inevitably, will arise in the stepfamily. I have identified the following three F's:

FEAR

Fear of the unknown is very real for all members of a stepfamily. Will it work? Will he/she walk out on me? Will my mum/dad stop loving me? The thing to remember is that fear can only flourish in the absence of love.

    Develop an atmosphere of love - before you even become a stepfamily.
    Love means trusting one another; being open and honest as a family; making yourself vulnerable.
    Communication is key. Vocal. And physical. Never let anything become off-topic. Talk openly about the past with your children. And about what will be happening in the future. Encourage them to talk about their own fears. What if . . .
    Show them lots of affection.
    Never run your children's absent parent down - particularly in front of their soon-to-be step parent. It's bound to upset the kids and alienate them against their step parent.
    Help your children to understand that even though you're going to become a stepfamily, you are utterly committed to them.
    Teach them that love does not mean allowing yourself to be manipulated.
    Love means that they will be disciplined when they behave badly.
    Above all, help them to understand that love is not finite, like a cake divided into slices with only so much to go round. Love grows as you give it away.

FORGIVENESS

This is another topic I've written about previously in articles about the art of forgiveness, and healing and forgiveness . The point I'd like to stress above all is that the only person who suffers because of unforgiveness, is the victim who has been wronged. Why punish yourself twice? Forgiving helps you, and your children, to be free to take on new relationships unencumbered. Here's what you, and they need to know:

    Forgiveness is an act of will, not emotion.
    It doesn't mean condoning the bad behaviour of an adulterous ex-partner.
    It doesn't mean that you are to blame.
    It's a journey. Today's forgiveness will almost certainly have to be repeated tomorrow. And the next day. And the next.
    Learn to admit it if you are in the wrong. And teach your children. 'I am sorry' are said to be the hardest three words in the world. But they're also liberating.
    Learn to forgive yourself. And teach your children to do likewise.

FAITH

If you've been hurt, you can wrap yourself up and refuse ever to trust anyone again. But living is loving. Do you really want to die on your feet?

If you are a person of faith, exercise it when it comes to new relationships. We only live once. Don't let hurt and mistrust deny you some happiness in life. You may be hurt again, in a new relationship. No one can guarantee that you won't. Take heart. Remember the old saying 'Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.'

Do let me know if you've had problems in your stepfamily - and the way you've overcome them. Or not!