Step Parenting And The Problems Of Sharing Authority

Step parenting brings its own special problems as the new step parent is often caught in the middle between the biological parent and the children. Just how much of a problem you will encounter depends upon a whole variety of factors, not the least of which will be the degree of co-operation you receive from the biological parent and the ages of the children involved.

The secret to successful step parenting lies first in clearly establishing your role with the biological parent because you will certainly have an uphill struggle if the two of you are not fully in agreement from the outset. As with any changes in a relationship though you must also realize that adjustments will take time and you need to adopt a 'step by step' approach. Any attempt to rush things, or to force the situation, will undoubtedly lead to frustration, if not confrontation. The biological parent may well feel threatened, if only sub-consciously, by the need to share parenting and will need time to adjust and to develop confidence and trust in you as a parent to his or her children.

Next, you will clearly need to establish your role with the children who, unless they are very young, will often resent being guided by an 'outsider'. You will need to take things slowly and accept that the children will need time to adjust to the situation before they will accept you in the role of a parent. Once again, you will need the help of the biological parent in cementing your relationship with the children.

Any successful transition into step parenting must start with a clear and frank discussion with the biological parent, during which each party must communicated freely and honestly about how they see their role, and that of the other party, and you must both reach a clear agreement on just how you should share the responsibilities of parenting. This discussion should also set clear boundaries but should be flexible enough to allow for adjustment, especially in the critical first few weeks and months following the establishment of this new relationship.

This initial discussion will not of course be the end of the matter and several such discussions will need to take place before any truly meaningful and lasting shift in parenting responsibilities can take place.

Once you are in agreement the next step is to bring the children on board and this step must initially be led by the biological parent. At an appropriate time the family should all sit down together and the biological parent should lead off a discussion in which the plan which you have agreed can be revealed to the children and discussed with them.

At this point it is important to emphasize that this should be a genuine discussion and not simply a case of the parents 'laying down the law' to the children. It is vitally important that the children contribute to the discussion and that their thoughts and views on what you have agreed be heard. Children, just like adults, need to be given a sense of control over their own lives and need to feel comfortable with the situation in which they now find themselves. This is not to say that the children should be given control of the situation, which should remain firmly in the hands of the parents as the ultimate decision makers within the household, but every effort should be made to ensure that they understand the situation and are as happy with it as is possible.

The simple fact that the children can see that their parents have clearly considered the position carefully, and are in agreement about it, will go a long way to preventing the children from playing one parent off against the other and their inclusion in the process will also help considerably in bringing them on board.

Arriving on the scene as a new step parent can be difficult for not only the step parent but for the biological parent and the children and all parties will need to work together slowly and take their time to establish an environment in which everyone can live happily together.

Is Successful Step Parenting Merely a Matter of Working at Relationships?

When I was commissioned to write a book some years ago on stepfamilies, it was assumed that step parents would be wed. However, the question of coping with step children, these days, doesn't necessarily involve being married to their natural parent. On the contrary! As more and more couples are involved in serial relationships, so the question might more reasonably be asked: how do step children cope with step parents?

I was invited by BBC Radio 5 Live to take part in a debate, arguing the case for the premise Can A Step Parent Take The Place Of A Real Parent? The e-mail was from one of their producers, who said he'd found my book in a Google search. During the telephone conversation that ensued, he asked me if I knew of anyone who might argue the case against. I had to say that I don't. Because most of the stepfamilies I know - including my own - have been very positive about the experience.

STEPFAMILY PROBLEMS CAN BE RESOLVED!

My book was based on personal experience, but also included a number of case studies: people my second husband and I interviewed for the book. Some of the contributors were step parents coping with step children; others were the biological parent; and yet others the stepkids themselves. Not one of them could say that they were a stepfamily without problems. But what all of them could vouch for was that they had worked through their difficulties - and were prepared to continue doing so.

STEP PARENTING ADVICE

So the BBC5 invitation prompted me to think through the sort of advice I might offer - not simply to those families who are encountering problems, but to those who've not yet taken the plunge. In other words, those who are still thinking about becoming a stepfamily.

The first thing I'd say is:

    Understand where you're coming from.
    Evaluate what emotional baggage you'll be taking with you into the new family.
    And how you can deal with it to get where you want to be: a cohesive family unit.
    A stepfamily is the result of remarriage after either a divorce or a death. Both are traumatic experiences which affect every member of the family.
    Divorce and death involve dealing with the loss of a loved one: spouse or parent.
    Both may engender similar emotions: denial, rejection, failure, sorrow, guilt and regret, anger and depression - not just for you, but for your children, too. Some of the points I've made in my posts on bereavement, are relevant to those who are divorced.
    You may think that you're over your emotional upheaval - particularly if you've found a new love - but it may not be realistic to expect your children to be, too.
    The fact is that trying to blend two families together can be like trying to renovate a ruin, whils living in it at the same time!

Understanding that this is where you and your children are coming from and the emotional baggage you're taking with you are crucial to developing the skills needed when it comes to understanding how you can deal with the upsets which, inevitably, will arise in the stepfamily. I have identified the following three F's:

FEAR

Fear of the unknown is very real for all members of a stepfamily. Will it work? Will he/she walk out on me? Will my mum/dad stop loving me? The thing to remember is that fear can only flourish in the absence of love.

    Develop an atmosphere of love - before you even become a stepfamily.
    Love means trusting one another; being open and honest as a family; making yourself vulnerable.
    Communication is key. Vocal. And physical. Never let anything become off-topic. Talk openly about the past with your children. And about what will be happening in the future. Encourage them to talk about their own fears. What if . . .
    Show them lots of affection.
    Never run your children's absent parent down - particularly in front of their soon-to-be step parent. It's bound to upset the kids and alienate them against their step parent.
    Help your children to understand that even though you're going to become a stepfamily, you are utterly committed to them.
    Teach them that love does not mean allowing yourself to be manipulated.
    Love means that they will be disciplined when they behave badly.
    Above all, help them to understand that love is not finite, like a cake divided into slices with only so much to go round. Love grows as you give it away.

FORGIVENESS

This is another topic I've written about previously in articles about the art of forgiveness, and healing and forgiveness . The point I'd like to stress above all is that the only person who suffers because of unforgiveness, is the victim who has been wronged. Why punish yourself twice? Forgiving helps you, and your children, to be free to take on new relationships unencumbered. Here's what you, and they need to know:

    Forgiveness is an act of will, not emotion.
    It doesn't mean condoning the bad behaviour of an adulterous ex-partner.
    It doesn't mean that you are to blame.
    It's a journey. Today's forgiveness will almost certainly have to be repeated tomorrow. And the next day. And the next.
    Learn to admit it if you are in the wrong. And teach your children. 'I am sorry' are said to be the hardest three words in the world. But they're also liberating.
    Learn to forgive yourself. And teach your children to do likewise.

FAITH

If you've been hurt, you can wrap yourself up and refuse ever to trust anyone again. But living is loving. Do you really want to die on your feet?

If you are a person of faith, exercise it when it comes to new relationships. We only live once. Don't let hurt and mistrust deny you some happiness in life. You may be hurt again, in a new relationship. No one can guarantee that you won't. Take heart. Remember the old saying 'Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.'

Do let me know if you've had problems in your stepfamily - and the way you've overcome them. Or not!